Jack Bauer Facts

Last night, I saw Jack Bauer go into a bar, and 3 minutes later Rambo, Chuck Norris and the guy from Commando came limping out crying like little girls...

Laughter isn't the best medicine. Jack Bauer is the best medicine.



Jack Bauer doesn't dodge bullets, bullets dodge Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.

There are three ways to make the things. The right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. The Jack Bauer way is right, but with a lot violence.

During a particularly intense interrogation session, Jack Bauer actually killed a man with his bare eyes.

Jack Bauer doesn't have nightmares. Nightmares have Jack Bauers.

Jack Bauer doesn't wash his clothes. He tortures them until they're clean.

Jack is so fast he can hit the switch and be in bed before the room gets dark.

When Jack Bauer wants to persuade somebody he just say "You've read my file, you know what I'm capable of"

Jack Bauer once played Lance Armstrong and Chuck Norris in a "who has the most balls contest". He beat them both by a combined total of 46.

In the midst of war between the Titans and the Olympian Gods, Jack Bauer captured Atlas and forced him to hold up the world until he told him who was plotting against Zeus. After Atlas cracked, Jack rushed off to inform Zeus and on his way out said, "Don't move until I get back." Atlas is still waiting for Jack to get back. It is also a well known fact that earthquakes are caused by Atlas shaking with fear when he thinks Jack is coming back.

If you type in "/jackbauer" in World of Warcraft, your enemies will proceed to piss themselves and die of fright. If you type in "/chucknorris" then your enemies will proceed to kick your ass and then then piss on your dead body.

Someone once made the mistake of looking Jack Bauer in the eye, which resulted in a swift 45 minute anal rape session... Chuck Norris has never been the same.

Jack Bauer is the only man to call John McCain a pussy and live to tell about it.

Jack Bauer is the reason why toilet water spins the other way in Australia.

After the first season of 24, Kiefer Sutherland literally began living as Jack Bauer. For safety precautions, the FOX network has since isolated him to the set and nobody has told Kiefer, for fear of torture and brutal death, that it is actually a show. Jack Bauer knows this and is fine with it as long as there are plenty of terrorists to kill.

Jack Bauer pees fire and shits snow balls.

Jack Bauer is a badass. That is the cold hard truth. He is a badass.